FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.