I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
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Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
All generalizations are stupid.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.