She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
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Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Have a lovely day 😊
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going