I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
You Might Also Like
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.