Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
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*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
me and my fake scenarios
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios