“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws