[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
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WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.