A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee