[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot