“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
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If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.