do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.