My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
You Might Also Like
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
need him
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!