Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
the noise i just made
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
found my next D&D character name
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.