I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
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I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
everyone’s a critic
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?