My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?