I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
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Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*