Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
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[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
is this a threat
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.