My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
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Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.