My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
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Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
God, I love Scotland
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.