[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.