7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Wikigenius
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy