“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?