Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
You Might Also Like
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
#MeanwhileInCanada
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.