Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
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I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.