My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
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Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky