Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
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I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
They did not think through this water fountain
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭