My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
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Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.