[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
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*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
what are they serving at kfc then???
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching