Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo