husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear