Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
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Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
How to wake up a Beagle
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
This is a whole mood;
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Seems legit
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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