me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
You Might Also Like
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!