Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd