skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
August 8
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom