I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.