Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
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Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer