It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
How does one answer this?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof