my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
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me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.