Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is