I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
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I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.