_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
You Might Also Like
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Finally
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.