if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious