@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
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Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe