You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it