Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked