I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I just tested negative for patience.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Just the best dancing sandwiches.