Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
You Might Also Like
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.