[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids