The pen is writier than the sword.
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But is it really??
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
just witnessed a drug deal
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.