1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Morning.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.